flat·u·lence 1) The presence of excessive gas in the digestive tract. 2) Self-importance; pomposity.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith

Well, the Siths took their revenge, the franchise has come full circle...closure for geeks all over the world... There is a GEEK in everybody. If you're a gal collecting Hello Kitty shit, you are a siao gee-nah Hello Kitty Geek. If you act cool and do wakeboarding and maintain an impeccable six-pack, you are a Cool wannabe body building geek. Question is... Are you GEEK enuff?

Anyways, the movie's not bad, it had a little old skool Star Wars in it. Here's my commentary:


1) Continuity. The movie ties up the prequels & sequels quite nicely. But I felt the over usage of Force Powers like Force Push will ultimately look out of place when one watches Episode 4 to 6. Maybe during Luke Skywalker's time Force Push is not the in-thing to do? I dunno, dun care.

2) I didn't like how they potrayed General Grievous in "The Siths' Tit for Tat". He was actually quite a kickass villian, not the metallic pussy that Obi-Wan blew away so easily.


He's some kind of super-android, his living matter was encased within his precision-engineered artificial body; inside the hardened carapace beat the heart of a remorseless killer. A pressurized gut-sack held his vital organs, while his skull-like mask contained his living eyes and brain. He is trained in the ways of the Jedi & Sith by Count Dooku. He doesn't have any Force powers but he can wield upto 5 lightsabers in combat. On particular battle, he single-handedly defeated 1 Jedi Master, 5 Jedi Knights & 1 Padawan during the Clone Wars; only 3 Jedis survived that encounter. His unorthodox fighting form & mechanical enhancements gave him an edge in close-quarter combat. He has a cool hobby - he hunts Jedis and collects lightsabers of his fallen foes...

So how did Obi-Wan whoop his robotic derriere so easily? Simple. I'll geek it out for y'all:

Lucasfilms commissioned the makers of Samurai Jack to do a 25 episodes series on the events that happened at the end of Episode2 leading upto Episode3. This cartoon is called Star Wars: The Clone Wars and was shown on the Cartoon Network. The series is much much better than "Vengeance of the Shitty Siths".

In the last episode of the cartoon series, General Grievous easily defeated 3 Jedi Knights and kidnapped Supreme Chancellor Palpatine. As they were boarding the escape ship, Mace Windu arrived. As the droids pushed Palpatine into the ship, Grievous unfurled his cape and faced Windu. The quick thinking Windu immediately "Force Grip" Grievous' mechanical torso, crushing its circuitry & organic contents.

For lesser geeks out there, "Force Grip" is actually a Sith Force Power since it's a more aggressive power. So how did Jedi Master Mace Windu use it? Well, Windu is supposedly the most kickass Jedi Master duelist during that time, he created Vaapad, a specialised dueling technique. With his eclectic fighting style, it is said that only two individuals ever outsparred Master Windu: Master Yoda and Count Dooku. Vaapad borders on the edge of falling to the Dark Side, as it channels one's anger and darkness into the attack. Only Windu's mastery and concentration of the Light Side prevents him from succumbing, which is why Vaapad is rarely practiced and very dangerous. So I'm not surprised he knows Force Grip...also his murderous intent was exposed when he cornered Darth Sidious...but I digress; back to Grievous...

So it's his crushed torso that is causing his breathing problems in "The Counterattacking Siths". Obi-Wan attacked an injured Grievous. Obi-Wan play cheat...Grievous would have kicked his gay Jedi ass across the galaxy far far away...

3) Darth Sidious aka Palpatine aka The Emperor. I grew up thinking he's damn powerful but as shown in "Retribution! Siths' Style...", he's quite a weakling, his main Force power is Force Lightning, which is pretty kickass but his lightsaber skills sucks, big time. Let's recap:


Mace Windu and 3 other Jedi Masters confronted him. He took down the 3 Jedi Masters in seconds - ok maybe he's quite powerful. Then Mace Windu attacked him, leading to a pretty weakass display of lightsaber dueling. Windu took him down easily. Then the Force Lightning came. Yawns. If not for Anakin aka Darth Vader aka "Luke, I'm your father, no-oooooooo", Palpatine would have gotten a full face melt by his own Force Lightning and ultimately die by Windu's lightsaber. Hmmm...then again Mace Windu is damn good at dueling (as explained in my Grievous rant).

Yoda then tried to take him down. Palpatine tried to escape...wah laos, thats so ku-niang! Anyways, engaged him Yoda did. They fought from the Chancellor's Holding Office to the Galactic Senate Arena, then they start to throw giant frisbees at each other...another wah laos...grow up lah, I bought the 80% clear pirated dvd for some kickass action, not to see them throw things at each other. If I wanted that I can just pick a fight with my sis... Anyways, Palpatine took 1 final gamble with his Force Lightning (yawnz...), engaging Yoda in a battle of wills. Yoda triumphed in the end but the force of the lockdown was so great that both of them were thrown away. Yoda, the smaller and lighter of the two (2' 2" (0.66 m) tall), got thrown further - resulting in injuries from the long fall. Palpatine on the other hand, shrieked like a little girl as he hung on to the end of a Senate pod.

I must admit Palpatine had a cunning understanding of the human mind. He planned and schemed everything, so he's cool as an evil mastermind. But they should give him more Force Powers and more kickass lightsaber scenes.

4) High Ground - Anakin's talent with the lightsaber is legendary. However it is secondary to his incredible mastery of the Force. He is born with the greatest known midi-chlorian count (a measure of Force-aptitude) in the galaxy, surpassing that of both Yoda and the Emperor. However, George Lucas states that his injuries on Mustafar (including the severing of all three of his remaining limbs and the lave-induced burns) cost Vader much of his Force potential. Lucas claims that, as a masked and suited Darth Vader, Anakin has roughly 80% the strength of the Emperor. Had he sustained none of his injuries on Mustafar, he would have been about twice as powerful. Wow...

But Obi-Wan took Anakin out in 1 swoop becos he was on higher ground. Wat utter bullshit! And in that 1 swoop, Obi-Wan sliced off Anakin's left arm and 2 legs... I dun get it, someone explain that to me....

5) Order 66 = End Scene of "The Godfather". Was it deliberate? The Jedi Purge scenes were reminiscent of the ending scenes of "The Godfather", where the foes of the Corleone family were snuffed out simultaneously at the orders of the Godfather...quite cool, nothing surprising here since George Lucas is notoriously known to plagiarize stuff from other directors. Do you know the first Star Wars film, "A New Hope", was heavily inspired by Akira Kurosawa's "The Hidden Fortress"? C3-PO & R2-D2 were direct copies of the bumbling jester & servant in the movie. Bleh...

6) I almost choke on my own vomit during the lomantic dialogues between Anakin and Padme. Especially the one on the balcony:-

Anakin: You are so beautiful.

Padme: If I am beautiful it is only because I am so in love with you.

Anakin: NO! I am so in love with YOU!

Padme: But love is blind...

Anakin: No! YOU are blind then!

Padme: I am glad that we are in love and that love is blind.

Anakin: I love that we love each other and love loves us back and we are blind.

WTF man...basket, looks like BLIND leading the BLIND to me...idiots....

7) Too much SFX. There's no denying the entertainment value of the Star Wars franchise. But if you strip away the layers of SFX, there nothing much to Lucas' technique. He is crappy director. Still using all the SFX to divert our attention away from his inept direction. He is good at plagiarizing other ppl's movies, his greatest talent is giving fanboys all over the world massive boners with scenes of dudes hitting each other with flourescent tubes. The most celebrated character of this franchise is a dude clad in black leather, prancing around with a red flourescent tube, breathing heavily thru a voicebox - just like a phone perv. How gay is that? Go figure...

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Whoah, that was a massive rant. Are you geek-ed out yet? Want more? Feel free to geek it out urself at the Star Wars Wiki. Massive database of Star Wars lore, guaranteed to keep ur boner raging thru out the nite. Even better than Viagra...errr, not that I try before, no...errr, bye.

2 Comments:

tc said...

joe...i got news for you...i met up with blinkymummy yesterday and told her about your site. she says that she'll come and read it some day. hopefully you'll be as famous if she adds a link to your blog. i gotta say though...i'm hoping that this geek post will make you more popular with the chics lah. don't say i didn't try to help...haha.

blinkymummy said...

wtf is joe?